well, i just wanted to whine, so I didn't want to put it on the TexasRivers blog. even though I have not been blogging, it is my main blog.
i'm SO TIRED!
and i want to post a dumb comment to my facebook.
you know the guy on Half Ton Teens? maybe you don't. but since I'm basically talking to myself here, it's billy. He is so whiny. I feel for him.
Without Jesus. I am SO Billy. He got out of breath trying to get out of his car to go into his house. It was his first time home from the hospital where he did not want to practice walking in the halls. He was slumped over a chair while his mom called the ambulance, all freaked out. He was saying, "Help me, God."
and I could just SEE MYSELF!
poor God. I don't have to feel sorry for God, but I know I act just as pitiful. and God is so good to me and gives me so much strength and I always feel weak and wimpy and whiny.
I seriously don't know how Mister puts up with me, but he does. 26 years worth!

and now that God has really shown me myself, it tortures me to listen to myself! I can so see it! but so far, I do not have the victory. it certainly keeps me humbly thankful to Jesus that He has forgiven all my sins and bears all my burdens, even daily, as He says in His Word.

I believe Him.
I trust Him.
I think I would be exactly like Billy, and hopefully a lighter weight version, without Christ.

I know God has changed me.

I was talking to someone on the phone today who is not a Christian, who was mentioning someone else we both know and that someone IS a Christian, but this person cannot see it. She said, "She doesn't do anything that a Christian DOES."
but when you are not a Christian, you do expect these certain standards of behavior, and you know, usually a real Christian is going to have some of that.
but that is not what true Grace is about.
Jesus won the victory and so we are not held responsible for our deeds in the same way. they no longer lead to judgment against us. HE took all the judgment. He took all the consequence. so yes, this sister in the Lord is a bad example to this outsider, and I so see why, but thankfully, I am not held to that standard either!

anyone who could see my daily life minute by minute (and according to Revelations 20:12---YOU WILL) would see that I am a sham! and yet, it is JESUS who makes me bonafide (using a term from "oh brother where art thou" ===a movie that does highlight some of the sham in religious so called Christians.

i just feel like talking to myself, I guess. because I would just like to stay home and do NOTHING and be expected to DO NOTHING and I'd like to SEE NO ONE and not disappoint anyone either.

there are so many expectations.

and I push against them!
they overwhelm me!

but Jesus helps me keep up a good life. it is amazing.

I think my mom should have let my hair grow out so I could be a pretty little girl. She liked this awful boy look instead. Yep, you can tell this is me because I am leafing forward and likely talking and smiling. Probably about to jump right off the seating.

I remember taking these pictures---or think I do anyway. If anything, my studies repeatedly confirm the frail nature of our memories! We reconstruct them by adding or filling in parts or even changing them to suit us. But the way I remember this is that I was in our living room and sitting on one of our end tables. So that is our back sliding door curtains behind me. It was fun enough. I do not remember who was taking the photos or anything else about it.

I made some lemonade today with real lemons and limes! Why do I talk of such silly things on my blog? I wanted to seem interesting but I just can't seem to limit myself to actual THOUGHTS that someone might be interested in reading.

oh well, it is a good outlet for me. I am considering making this be a place where I can put prayer requests for my praying friends--or to put updates about how school is going. One of my former professors went to Iran for a year and she might be back by now. I meant to check her website and blog, but I continually forgot. I suppose you need to be on someone's group email to get reminders where to check. But it DOES feel silly to write people to say---hey, check my blog. But what am I if not silly?

Some of my friends have kindly said they do not see me as silly. They are good to me. Keep that up. I guess we all need to be coddled occasionally.

I have a women's retreat this coming weekend. It is a Holy Spirit weekend type thing and so I am trying to prepare my heart with prayer. Judging by the pre-retreat class, it is not a big group. They have these about four times a year and it is part of going deeper in membership and leadership. I have no desire for leadership at this time---I won't be there enough to serve others, but I do want to be knit in the group and find others to connect with. It should be a good place to really get to know someone.

There will be inner healing sessions and deliverance sessions. That will be interesting. I haven't seen such things in a while. It will give me a good view of how my church operates. I feel that I already have a handle on that, though, but I never feel I've got the full handle on the Lord. I always want to know Him more and more. I suppose I'm nervous that my own issues will come up (as they should) and that I'll lose control or something. But those are fears, fears that will not lead me. I go in faith and trust that God's heart will be revealed.

I've asked Juanita to pray. I forget all I've asked for, but mainly I am interested in a consecrated heart to the Lord, to my husband and children, and sanity up North. My request is that I'll be empowered to witness and to be sent as God's emissary to bring light into the realm of education. I want to be an island of hope and refuge for other Christians who feel battered by the world view that continually batters the mind in the university. School is a religion, just like any other way of life. I do not ascribe to all of their beliefs, but on many things, we walk together. Definitely full on for empowerment of minorities and women. Definitely for the defense of the poor, definitely in agreement about the power of education to improve the living of the ignorant.

One of my professors said to me--"Once you walk through that door, you can never go back." or something like that. The point was that once you are enlightened, you cannot go back to your old thinking. Once you are set free, you can never return to bondange.

Another leader of mine, in the community, said, "They can take everything you own from you, but they cannot take your education. If people would pay 20, 30, or 40 thousand for a car that doesn't last except for a few years, then they can pay for an education that will last their lifetime."

So I hope that I can be successful. I'll surely learn a great many things from this. Even if I should fail, it will not be without a fight. I'll keep trying and trying and trying---and so far, that has worked out extremely well, such that my fear of failure has become such a small irritation that I just tell myself (when I start to fear that I won't make it)........."Well, you never fail if you keep trying." and "If it turns out that I cannot make it, I can be proud that I made it this far. I will be thankful for having been accepted."

and when I worry that I will disappoint my McNair program (who has invested on me and is counting on me to become a minority educator)........I remind myself that I will not quit unless it is God's Will---a higher authority who has all things in His Hands and knows what is best for me far beyond what I know.

So I pray that I will be a bold witness for him. I was reading today in Isaiah ....43:10-13? I cannot really remember the place....that God says He has revealed himself and that He alone is savior and that we are His witnesses to say that He is God.

and I'm re-reading part of Desiring God, the missions part. so that I can fan the flame of God in my heart.....and I know I will not lose my sensitivity and compassion ( a precious and costly lesson), but I will just openly praise God for who He is.

This pic is already too old, but I thought I'd see if I can make an open blog so no one has to sign in. I can't figure out the setting, though. So we'll see.